Losing Myself

Do you ever think back on your life and how you used to dress, what you used to love, your favorite music, favorite movies, favorite things to do? This week I've been thinking a lot about just how I used to be, how I've changed, and who I am now. I used to love to listen to Josh Groban, Charlotte Church, soundtracks from musicals like Wicked and Phantom of the Opera. My favorite movies were Beauty and the Beast, Peter Pan, Pirates of the Carribean, and Pride and Prejudice. I watched these on a weekly or monthly basis at the very least! I might have been a teenager, but I was DETERMINED that I would never grow up! haha. I loved "love", musicals, "happily ever after", and the thought of being a princess and finding my perfect prince someday. I obviously knew that life wasn't "perfect" in that sense, but I was perfectly ok with watching sappy love stories and for that hour and a half I put myself in the movie and I was actually Belle or Wendy or Elizabeth Swann or Elizabeth Bennett.

I grew up playing make believe. It was my favorite thing in the world to do and I could entertain myself for hours doing it! I don't even know if my mom ever realized how much I did it. (Or maybe she was watching me through my cracked bedroom door all along! haha.) But I really did. I would go into my bedroom, shut the door, and make up some new life for myself and sometimes my "life" would go on for weeks every afternoon in my bedroom! I used to be so creative and imaginative. I miss that.

Now, as much as I never wanted to I feel like I've actually started to grow up...it's like when Wendy grows up in the sequel to Peter Pan and forgets how to be a kid until her daughter Jane goes to Neverland and meets Peter Pan. Haha. It's ok if you want to laugh at me referring to Peter Pan in a blog as a 20 year old! lol. I love my life now, but sometimes I just have these days when I remember all those fun memories of being a kid when life was carefree and I could fade away in to a pretend world where life was exactly what I wanted it to be. I miss being able to just let my thoughts and fantasies travel where they wanted to go and carry me off with them. It sounds ridiculous, but it's a big part of who I was!!

I used to love to paint too. I loved to turn instrumental music on from my favorite sountracks and close my eyes and think about the movie and the paint what came to mind. It was so much fun to me to put my thoughts and creativity on paper. It didn't always come out how it was in my mind exactly buttttt it was fun anyway! haha .

I don't really know what got me thinking about all of this or where it came from. I guess I just was looking through my ipod and thinking of all the stuff I never listen to anymore just cuz a lot of it is stuff that most of my friends here wouldn't love or have fun with the way I do. And as I was thinking back on all of this I just felt overwhelmed by this huge part of me that I feel like I've lost! All of this stuff such a big part of me and who I am....or was. I have this little part inside of me that is just so creative and I haven't let it stir in so long! I've quit painting and playing the piano and writing poems. I guess when I didn't have time for everything anymore that's what I let go of. And it's kinda just scared me a little maybe? I just had a small panic attack that I had lost "Katie"....if that makes any sense.

It's just one part of me though and I have become more open minded to so many new things as well. I've learned to love so much that I just never knew about or was too afraid to try or experience (like turkey hunting! haha). I've embraced meeting new people and making new friends. I've streteched myself since I came to school and I'm VERY thankful to God for growing me in that way.

It's funny because those things aren't really the things that should define me as a believer, but in a way I've let them define me. No matter what earthly and temporary things I love Jesus stays the same ALWAYS! And as long as He is my focus I should never be able to "lose myself". No matter what movies or music I love, no matter what activites I love to do, no matter how I "let my creative juices flow" my Savior and my purpose in life never changes! EVER!! How cool is that??! People around me will change. What I love will change. I will change. Where I live will change. How I dress will change. But GOD NEVER CHANGES!! And ultimately, if my life is rooted in Him, then in a way, I can't change either.

I realize that this post is random and all over the place. Honestly, it's kinda just me thinking outloud...but I feel better finally putting all my thoughts into words and in one place altogether. :) So...I'm sorry for being all over the place this afternoon, butttttt that's just how I am sometimes! :)